The Most Important "Operation" You May Ever Have
5/31/2011 5:20:00 PM
I’ve got a news flash that will change the world of fitness and training forever! I discovered an essential new operation that is life-changing. The operation is called an addanasstomy. Luckily, you can perform this operation on yourself without the aid of a doctor. In an addanasstomy, we take the average gluteless bench press addicted trainee and we begin an intensive program of squats and lunges to attempt to increase the size of the gluteus maximus. Hence the name: Add an Ass to Me (or, in this case, really Add an Ass to You).
It’s funny. In fitness, we always seem to be trying to lose something. Most of the time it seems to be around the waist. The truth is that most people need to lose a little in front and gain a little in the back. Don’t always think about taking away; think about adding a little, but only in back. The way most people look these days, glutes belong on a milk carton ad. I can see it now. “WANTED: Lost Glutes. Last seen just before freshman year of college.” The glutes began to disappear the day you sat down for good and decided never to exercise again. It was only a matter of time.
It’s so wonderfully rare to see a man or a woman who fills out their pants properly. Don’t get me wrong. I see lots of improperly-filled pants. You know what I mean. In these days of thongs and low-cut jeans, it is even worse. I read a column in the local paper where the writer described a horrible sight. The writer called it the “muffin top.” I think you can visualize the young girl with the adipose overflowing the top of the jeans. Had enough yet? This same young girl is always pulling up her low-cut jeans because she has no glutes to hold them up. For men, the beer belly and the plumber’s crack are almost cliché. Both are at least an indirect result of no glutes.
The truth is that glutes are essential to survival. Low back pain expert Stuart McGill, author of Low Back Disorders, describes the loss of glute strength and size as gluteal amnesia (his term, not mine) and goes on to implicate lack of strength in the glutes for the debilitating back pain that afflicts so many. The cure for gluteal amnesia is an addanasstomy. The truth is, we sit too much, we take too many elevators, we skip too many stairs. The result is loss of glute function and the relative disappearance of the body’s most vital muscle. Then to top it off, we go to the gym and do what? Of course, we work on our upper body. No wonder everyone’s back hurts.
The cure: Squats, lunges, one-leg squats, split squats, hip extension exercises and bridging exercises. The good part is that the disease is curable and that you can perform the operation on yourself.